I hate to break it to you, but there’s no award for Most Convoluted Pitch. I therefore suggest this writing strategy: Lay off the Red Bull and only write in the still quiet of the dewy morning. Or something. Just not this:
Hi Rafe,
With thousands of travel apps available, it would seem that business travelers would have an endless selection to choose from, right?
Not necessarily. While many apps simplify consumer travel, they don’t necessary translate to corporate travel. Rather, they can cause companies major headaches and add expenses because they fail to take corporate policies into account, and multiple apps might be needed to juggle all the “simplifying.”
The key is finding a mobile solution that focus both on end-user experience and productivity, while keeping travelers compliant to corporate policies. But as more mobile developers jump on the HTML 5 bandwagon, sorting through the ‘business travel’ mobile market is about to get tougher.
How about a story that educates corporate travel managers about why consumer travel apps shouldn’t cut it for their business, how to get the most productivity out of an app by choosing one app that can do the work of 4 or 5, and how HTML 5 development is about to transform the mobile travel experience?
As a source, I can put you in touch with [a guy] of [a big Web development company], who is heading up the companies’ development of its [new app] in HTML 5.
Would you like to arrange an interview?
I think what you’re trying to say is that your product is better than TripIt for corporate clients. Is that it? Did I get it right? Where’s my cookie?
Related: Tip #98
Rafe
Pro PR Tips 